5 Things...

ok so the last post was filled with tragedy & negativity...i've been laying on the couch all day trying to figure out five POSITIVE things that happend last week...it's so hard for me to find the good right now, but that is my new challenge to try again, I hate living feeling so negative & feel so alone when i get in this mood even though my life is always filled with people who love & care about me...so here I go.
1) all my true friends & family came through for me in my desperate time of need. Thank you all for your love, support & devotion to me that you give me everyday without fail...I love you all & couldn't make it through without you!

2) God & Ellen saved our sweet sweet Josh & brought Bandit back to us safely...

3) I had an awesome mail/delivery day on Tues.....my new scrapbooking toy (gypsy) came & two of my scrapbooking magazines in hopes i will find some inspiration to get back into a hobby that i loved...i haven't created anything in close to a year just been an avid collector...lol....

4) so grateful my husband has an amazing job...which is something not many people can say these days, although it is keeping him away from the family much more these days.

5) also grateful that i still have my life...granted it is not one i would wish for or wish on anyone else, there are so many days I just want to give up because the pain is so unreal & i'm sick of living on pills to get through...but am happy I am still here to watch my children grow & become amazing young adults....

finally a new week.....

I patiently counted down the days last week for a brand new week, one that hopefully that won't be filled with pain & loss!!! Just about everyday last week had some sort of pain, & hurtful situations..wondered why god was testing my strength so much this past week...so those of you that have a stronger connection with him, would you please pray for me & let him know I really am not strong enough for anymore right now....please. I will give quick little highlights to each day last week & maybe you will understand...Monday night we had to go to the funeral home for Ellens wake, rooms filled with tears & heartache, Tuesday was her funeral, that last time i would get to hold my best friend & say my final good byes to her, wednesday flat on couch all day not allowing people to come near me...that night tim took me to kenny & ellens to pick up her cockateil that now is in our home..feeling a little comfort of having a part of her here with me. Thursday workmans comp hearing...need not say anymore...excrutiating pain from the long ride & long day there.....Friday in bed all day from the pain....Friday night Josh rolls his car 4 times, thanking god & ellen for keeping our boy safe...car is totaled, but his worst symtom was glass in his eye from the windshield. Saturday....just was really a bad day!!! Sunday night talking to my mom health is going down hill quickly & Bandit ran off into woods....we have alot of coyotes living in our back yard...not fun!!!!! So yes i needed to count down the minutes for a new week to start!!!! Today just feel so worn, emotionally & physically.....sadly back to poppin pills left & right to ease the pain....please god just give me a break!!!

We will miss you Ellen....

Today is such very hard day for me, the pain is more than I feel that I can bare...a little after 5:30 am i heard the scanner go off with the ambulance being toned to one of my best friends houses...my sister....next thing I heard was CPR in progress, with no signs of life...yes Ellen is now in heaven. The pain is so hard to deal with....we have so many great memories & we had planned out the summer of sitting by the pool hiring a pool boy to take care of us....the pain is so deep tho i know she is no longer suffering i will truly miss her so much...there were only a couple people in my life that i could consider a true friend....she was the definition of just that...it will be a day i will never forget... I am so torn I lose one of my best friends & it's my other best friend birthday....so a very Happy Birthday Leon!!!
Rest in peace Ellen...we all love you & know you will be looking down on us....being my angel in the sky instead of by my side now.

Happy New Year...9 days later

Hope everyones new year has started out good....I am praying for a much better year this year, so far it's had it's many ups & downs. Right now I am praying for warmer weather because this cold weather or should I say FREEZING weather really makes me hurt 10 times worse. I set a couple small goals for myself this year...hoping i can work through them all....think more positive, stop smoking, & take a picture a day for the whole year. We'll see how they all go...so far i have failed on the pic a day....
Keep warm.....till next time...