Happy Mothers Day

A belated happy mothers day to all the moms out there, hope your day was filled with happiness & love. I spent mine on couch sleeping (finally) all morning & then went to have finger sandwhiches with my mama, grandma, tim, krystal, zac & allen....so very quiet, not thrilling. But am grateful I am still blessed enough to have my grandma & mom still here.
I am needing more prayers for my uncle which has now been moved to rehab somewhere in VT...he keeps spiking fevers which sets him way back. and also, Thursday night, layin on couch I heard the ambulance get toned to one of my dearest friends house...so went to be with her...she is only 36, her husband of 14 years walked out on her day after xmas leaving her with 4 small children ages 10, 8, 4 & 2...i knew she was alone & needed to be with her..the tones said she was unconcious & not sure if breathing...heartbreaking!!! So she spent one night up here in the hospital with alot of bad episoids throughout night, then she was shipped to ICU in DHMC. I haven't had a chance to go see her I was having a bad weekend between extreme pain in head/neck & then my stomach from where i had surgery was so intense....anyways it is her heart as far as we know...so please say prayers & lots of them for her she needs to get home to her babies...they are so scared not only has there daddy left them & has no contact with them at all, but now mama is in ICU...how unfair life can be sometimes.
I have to say I am blessed with a great friend & brother that lifted my spirits a little today as I was to point of hating life again...thank you guys for being here with me & helping me...couldn't do it without you.
hoping this finds you all managing to stay warm on these very chilly days....

update

I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to all of you that did pray for my uncle Rolly...after 12 days of being in a coma, he finally woke up!!! He is no where out of the woods yet but was so great to have him talk to us the other day!!! Last night got a call from my dad though saying he had spiked a fever again & the dr's were working on him again....so asking for a few more prayers to help get him through this. My Aunt Cindy (his wife) needs them too as she is battling cancer & having chemo treatments at the same time....they are both the greatest people & need a break from all this terrible stuff!!!
For myself...well this weather is certainly raising havoc on my body!!!! I pray for myself just ONE day to be pain free...but don't want to complain too much, as my uncle is so much worse...my family & dear friends have been a huge help to me...my help today washed my quilt..we put it outside to dry for that fresh crisp yummy smell for when I crawl in bed tonight...well stupid thunderstorm came out of no where & it's soaked...just my luck..lol
The kids are all doing ok...allergies have attacked us all!!!!! Brie had a competition in JROTC this past weekend..I am so proud of her...and her team..the placed 1st in 3 catagories & 2nd overall... zac is enjoying the fire dept still & Krystal well her high school days are winding down..soon she will be graduating...I am so proud of all my children...love the people they are becoming & know what they want to do with there futures...Krystal...culinary, Zac...cop & fireman, Brie is joining the Marines....all great choices & fits them all to a "t"!!!!
Hope all my extended family & my friends are all doing well...sending loves out!!!

prayers are working....

It was such a beautiful day yesterday, the kids & I spent quality time together just laying around, chatting, & went outside to take a few pics that didn't involve snow...I try now & then to take a pic with my kids because of my close calls with death..I want them to have some pics to remember there mama with...not to mention they sure are growing up fast on me!!! Can't believe in less then 2 months my baby is graduating high school....ugh...the thought makes me want to cry & be proud of her at the same moment.

Well so far my uncle is still holding on, his heart beat is back in normal rhythm, he is still in a coma, still on dialysis, but at least now we have a diagnosis of why this happend to him. When he had his heart surgery, he had a cathitor (sp?) in him & it has caused TSS toxic shock syndrom...so that shut his kidney down...with any luck it will work fine & with lots of prayers he will be on his very long road to recovery..but he is still with us. When we saw him Tues he wiggled his eyebrows & ears when we spoke to him a little...so he knows we are there. So please keep those prayers rolling in. Praying for peaceful nights for him, Tues night was rough & last night too...Thank YOU

Praying for a miracle....

Friday I got a call from my dad saying my favorite Uncle Rolly had been brought to DHMC..my aunt Cindy thought he had just the flu, but because he just had major heart surgery on March 23rd they wanted to see him just in case..as soon as she got there with him he was in respitory distress, and instantly ventalated him. But he was stable. Saturday he took a HUGE turn for worse his kidney (which he had a kidney transplant 8 years ago)had failed, his heart was failing & the calls were coming in for all family to get there to say our goodbyes....it was the most gut wrenchin call I had gotten since my best friend died in January. So we spent all weekend in ICU hoping & praying....with some small miracle & each of us including my kids went in to tell him we are not ready for him to leave us...some small miracle 5 am Sunday morning his kidney was functioning some & they cut back on some of the meds. He is on dialysis again, in a coma, etc...we counted 22 iv's running into him at least...he had broken his fever finally...today his heart beats are within normal range & he is makin urine...2 signs that we might witness a miracle...he's still not out of woods yet...still in a coma & on life support. I couldn't go back again today, way too much pain & needed some rest. My dad, my aunt & tons of family are by his side...they have been through so much, my aunt just got news her cancer had come back for 4th time & is activly on Chemo & pain pump...so she is not in greatest health to be there...they have been through so much together.....so I am asking all my extended family that is very active in church & my friends PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE say alot of prayers that he will pull through this!!! These are two of the most deserving people of a miracle...they are so in love...sadly met each other alot later in life, they've been married only 8 years...they need many more years together...I need my uncle for many more years...please say alot of prayers.

alot of thinkin....

Well I'm now seven weeks out from surgery, still in a great deal of pain & discomfort, still can't eat only a few bites of things, so still living on slim fast shakes to get nutriets. I've lost almost 20 pounds (which doesn't hurt my feelings at all:) )....between losing all this weight & losing just about eveything we owned in old house gives me a reason to buy new clothes if I ever have a good enough day to get out to want to go do a little shopping. This weather is really messing with my body...head & neck from injury are killing me more than normal because of dampness & cold. Allergies were kicked in full force...the only thing good about todays snowy weather is I'm getting a little break from them. I saw my surgeon last week & she claims it will be well over a year before i am back to feeling somewhat good with the surgery...she explained it as if I had new anotomy put in my body & my body has to adjust to "new" parts, plus my body went through major trauma & was near death...so I guess I need to learn patience....I feel so broken, so uncomplete, so useless...was having an extremely hard time with just the neck/head injury on all things I've had to give up doing & now this....I'm so sick of living on meds, I'm so sick of living like this...I don't feel like I am a good enough wife or mother as I can not attend to everyones needs...at 36 years old I feel so needy because I have to depend on everyone else to do stuff for me...so unfair!!!!
I keep thinkin I really need to make thank you cards for all those that sent me things & have been here for me through all of this. But I can't seem to get any creativity or energy going... owell...still haven't been in since we moved in Sept. I so badly need to be inspired, I need hope, I need my creativity back...some how some way I need to feel better about myself...somehow I need to find the love in life again with all these challenges.
Tomorrow is my grams 84th bday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY gram...sadly we won't be able to celebrate, she is so sick right now & her doc is thinkin about admittin her to hospital. Then got a call from my dad they have rushed my uncle into ICU at DHMC...so much more has happend, and it needs to stop...I can't take anymore.
On a good note I just got all my kids report cards & they all did awesome. I am so proud of all of you & love you so much. they have made me so proud this year with all there accomplishments...still thinkin my son is the "hottest" fireman they have in town. :)

4 weeks later....

Four weeks ago I had yet another life changing event.....sure do wish these life changing events would start being really good ones instead!!! Something exciting or something that doesn't cause more pain would be great...It has been a crazy 4 weeks some good some bad...I've gotten to see so many of my old friends or heard from them, surrounded by family & loved ones daily...now they are doing "shift work" LOL Most people would be so happy to have someone do everything for them....well it is driving me absolutly insane!!!!!!!!!!!! Not that i could do a whole lot before this surgery, but at least it was a little something now & then.....I'm sick of this new diet I'm suppose to be on, still can't eat much of anything so still on liquid diet...good thing I love chocolate shakes. I'm still struggling to accept this huge scar that has ruined my body, just emotionally having a really hard time with everything right now. God bless my family & friends that are trying so hard to keep me smiling...but inside I am torn apart. Yes I am grateful to still have my life & watch my kiddos growin up so many things i would love to do with them but can't...I'm trying to avoid the cold that has seem to strike just about every one...it kills to cough or sneeze!!!!!!!!!!! I keep thinkin I should go into my craft room to make thank you cards for everyone that has been here for me since the surgery, but honestly I haven't even stepped foot in since we've moved here except to put new things in a huge pile that is callin my name to work with.....
Looking forward to brighter days with warm sunshine....maybe laying next to the pool in the sun having people wait on me won't seem so bad then..LOL... Hope you all have a great weekend & keep warm.

B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!!!!!!

OMG...it is so beautiful out!! I was just looking at my thermometer & it is almost 60..hard to believe for middle of March...I can't wait for a few more weeks & it will be time to call the boys back to open up the pool for the season!!! Can't wait to do my layin down & relaxing sippin drinks next to the pool!!!! I did get up a little bit ago & sat on the deck with munchkin to take in some rays & get some fresh air......
It's been 3 weeks since that scary close call....I'm slowly healing, still in alot of pain, still basically on a liquid diet...I eat a little here & there but as soon as i do my stomach swells & causes so much discomfort....which they claim could be well over a year before I will be able to eat "normal"....luckily I have found something I enjoy drinking as meal replacements...its the Chocolate flavor Special K shake...they are $6 for 4 of the bottles which yes is costly but I have to have a high fiber diet & this at least has 5g per drink & has the other vitamins I am missing without eating normal. So I'm asking my friends & family if you see any coupons for them to please keep me in mind & send them to us... it would be greatly appreciated. I still have to say a huge thank you to my friends & family that are in & out of here all day long taking care of me above & beyond what they were already doing before....& for all the thoughts & prayers from my friends & family that can't be with us.....all of you have made a huge difference in my life & I truly appreciate it. I'm trying my hardest to keep my spirits up, as this was a huge altering life style change for me yet again....still having issues with the scar...but thanking god everyday that he let me live yet again to spend more time on this earth.
Tim got me out a couple times last week during the nice days to cheer me up...got to see a few old friends which was awesome!!! Made my day & made me realize how much i miss some....
Hope this finds everyone doing well & enjoying the sunshine....for my down south family hope the floods aren't affecting you & that the sun dries up everything for you quickly.
til next time LIVE LAUGH & LOVE.....

What a month.....

February was quite the month...beginning of Feb was my birthday & my true friends & family made it a totally amazing one!!! Second week we had an exhange student from NYC JROTC stay with us, basically we provided a bed because the JROTC kids had a packed schedual while here...it was an amazing experience for all of us...they couldn't believe how dark it is here at night because they are so used to all the lights, too funny when they said how do you drive here in such darkness....
then my dear sweet boy ended up with bronchitis...but mama is used to it so I caught it early so it didn't turn out as bad as normal thank god!!! Then finally winter vacation was here for the kids, they were so excited until....mama was knocking on deaths door!! Monday I was rushed into surgery, one we all thought might be my appendix, the surgeon told myself & my wonderful supporting family it should only take an hour....four and a half hours later i was rolled into ICU, my intestine had erupted & my body was filling with poison. I remember coming to & feeling the huge scar down my stomach & began freakin out & asking my husband was it cancer???? I couldn't get that thought out of my head, he was telling me no but again i knew something was really wrong because everyone had tears & my stomach had been completly cut open..they were only suppose to go through my belly button.............still not really understanding it all until they released me to home on Friday my family finally told me how close to death I was. I have a long road of recovery, having an extremely hard time dealing with this scar!!! I had 3 babies never had any scars or stretch marks & now I have this horrible thing on me that makes me feel like damaged goods....never again can i wear a bathing suit or will i ever expose myself to anyone. But I do have to say I have the most amazing family....they never left my side from the minute I was admitted to the hospital...the inlaws that called & sent the most amazingly beautiful bouquet of flowers, my friends with all there well wishes & all the gifts & love I have recieved through all of this & continue to receive, my JROTC family that has cooked meals so my husband doesn't have to & gifts to brighten my days. So a huge thank you filled with lots of love to all of you that have been there for me & my family through this time....one week down & at least 12 more of recovery to go.........

February already....

The picture is of one of the beautiful flowers from Tim....my girlfriend told me my house is to have fresh flowers in it every week to help cheer me up, so she brought me some, my mom brought me some & then yesterday tim bought me these....I do love fresh flowers......

My friend Jen has been trying to keep my spirits lifted & visiting often..we even did lunch one day which was really nice!!!

I really realized I have the most awesome family & true friends....so here is my 5 positives....

1) Krystal just got a call tonight from the only one college she applied for & she has been accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She will be going to the New England Culinary Institute......we are so proud of her!!!!

2) Reconnecting with a near & dear friend (s)

3) house full of beautiful bouquets of flowers!!!!

4) Love listening to our adopted cockateil sing...makes me smile & think of Ellen!!!

5) It is staying lighter out longer now....spring is on it's way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIVE LAUGH & LOVE every single day....you never know when it's gonna be your last

5 Things...

ok so the last post was filled with tragedy & negativity...i've been laying on the couch all day trying to figure out five POSITIVE things that happend last week...it's so hard for me to find the good right now, but that is my new challenge to try again, I hate living feeling so negative & feel so alone when i get in this mood even though my life is always filled with people who love & care about me...so here I go.
1) all my true friends & family came through for me in my desperate time of need. Thank you all for your love, support & devotion to me that you give me everyday without fail...I love you all & couldn't make it through without you!

2) God & Ellen saved our sweet sweet Josh & brought Bandit back to us safely...

3) I had an awesome mail/delivery day on Tues.....my new scrapbooking toy (gypsy) came & two of my scrapbooking magazines in hopes i will find some inspiration to get back into a hobby that i loved...i haven't created anything in close to a year just been an avid collector...lol....

4) so grateful my husband has an amazing job...which is something not many people can say these days, although it is keeping him away from the family much more these days.

5) also grateful that i still have my life...granted it is not one i would wish for or wish on anyone else, there are so many days I just want to give up because the pain is so unreal & i'm sick of living on pills to get through...but am happy I am still here to watch my children grow & become amazing young adults....

finally a new week.....

I patiently counted down the days last week for a brand new week, one that hopefully that won't be filled with pain & loss!!! Just about everyday last week had some sort of pain, & hurtful situations..wondered why god was testing my strength so much this past week...so those of you that have a stronger connection with him, would you please pray for me & let him know I really am not strong enough for anymore right now....please. I will give quick little highlights to each day last week & maybe you will understand...Monday night we had to go to the funeral home for Ellens wake, rooms filled with tears & heartache, Tuesday was her funeral, that last time i would get to hold my best friend & say my final good byes to her, wednesday flat on couch all day not allowing people to come near me...that night tim took me to kenny & ellens to pick up her cockateil that now is in our home..feeling a little comfort of having a part of her here with me. Thursday workmans comp hearing...need not say anymore...excrutiating pain from the long ride & long day there.....Friday in bed all day from the pain....Friday night Josh rolls his car 4 times, thanking god & ellen for keeping our boy safe...car is totaled, but his worst symtom was glass in his eye from the windshield. Saturday....just was really a bad day!!! Sunday night talking to my mom health is going down hill quickly & Bandit ran off into woods....we have alot of coyotes living in our back yard...not fun!!!!! So yes i needed to count down the minutes for a new week to start!!!! Today just feel so worn, emotionally & physically.....sadly back to poppin pills left & right to ease the pain....please god just give me a break!!!

We will miss you Ellen....

Today is such very hard day for me, the pain is more than I feel that I can bare...a little after 5:30 am i heard the scanner go off with the ambulance being toned to one of my best friends houses...my sister....next thing I heard was CPR in progress, with no signs of life...yes Ellen is now in heaven. The pain is so hard to deal with....we have so many great memories & we had planned out the summer of sitting by the pool hiring a pool boy to take care of us....the pain is so deep tho i know she is no longer suffering i will truly miss her so much...there were only a couple people in my life that i could consider a true friend....she was the definition of just that...it will be a day i will never forget... I am so torn I lose one of my best friends & it's my other best friend birthday....so a very Happy Birthday Leon!!!
Rest in peace Ellen...we all love you & know you will be looking down on us....being my angel in the sky instead of by my side now.

Happy New Year...9 days later

Hope everyones new year has started out good....I am praying for a much better year this year, so far it's had it's many ups & downs. Right now I am praying for warmer weather because this cold weather or should I say FREEZING weather really makes me hurt 10 times worse. I set a couple small goals for myself this year...hoping i can work through them all....think more positive, stop smoking, & take a picture a day for the whole year. We'll see how they all go...so far i have failed on the pic a day....
Keep warm.....till next time...

So glad it's over!!!

Miss Munchkin was up early & patiently waiting to find out how many of those presents were her's!!! LOL Santa did a great job here again as always...he got me the newest itouch so i can have something to do on all those endless hours at the hospital. Then a tripod..i've wanted one for years & never have had one so now i finally do, a very large gift card to a local scrapbookin store, & a few other things. The two youngest got there new ipods too....we have to go buy the "skins" so we can tell who's is who's...Krystal badly wanted a video camera so that's what santa brought her, they were all happy. We spent xmas eve at my dads & xmas day at my moms...I'm one hurting girl today, but was great to spend time with my family from all around. Hope everyone enjoyed there xmas holiday. LIVE LAUGH & LOVE!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wanted to say a very Merry Christmas to my family & true friends. I hope you are all going to be blessed to spend time with your loved ones. Tonight we will share xmas eve with my dad, we have a big meal & presents there. Just waiting for the kids to get home right now, Brie is at her daddy's, Krystal is having a xmas dinner with her boyfriends family & Zac just got called out to a fire in Groveton.

Tomorrow morning we will get up & enjoy christmas morning with our children & later go to my moms....two days of no cooking for me. Been having a couple really really really bad weeks & nothing is seeming to help!! But I will sit & be grateful I am still here & able to spend the holidays with my family. While you are all sitting around take a moment to say a prayer for our troops that can't be home with there family's, for the ones who have lost there lives & paid the ultimate sacrifice for us to beable to sit around the dinner table tomorrow & everyday!!!

LIVE LAUGH & LOVE

Our baby

Little miss munchkin may be just a little spoiled....here she is showing off her new winter coat we bought her & she is very happy about it!!! She loves putting her outfits on, i actually have to put her basket up high so she won't get into them, if not she grabs them to bring to me so i get here dressed!!! So cute!!! To think this is daddy's pride & joy....lol

As I am typing this my son is off to his Second structure fire...sadly it's the vets office, so i hope all the critters are safe. He loves this experience & I am so proud of him....love it when the guys call to tell me what a great job he is doing, gives me that proud mommy moment of sayin...I created this wonderful child!!!

Krystal has applied to a culinary college & waiting on hearing if she gets in or not. God I'm not ready for this. Health wise she still isn't good....seems like we are always waiting for answers!!

Of course we can't forget about miss Brie brie....she is still amazing as always, loving JROTC & has presented colors for many events. I'm very proud of her too....definatly have the most amazing kids that make life worth living!!! I know if it wasn't for them I wouldn't deal with the pain I am faced with everyday!!! Love you my babies!!!

a quick update...

Just a quick update for our family....it has been a very long week here again, Krystals health has taken a turn for the bad again, we were in the hospital all night into the wee hours of the morning on thurs/friday. She was having alot of chest pain around her heart that had lasted a couple days that was gettin worse & she was having difficulty breathing. After lots of testing & IV's etc, they said her white count & monocytes are very high again & she has pleurisy...she has fluid building up around her lungs & heart. Which is what is making it difficult to breath & feels like someone is stabbin her with every beat of her heart. She is at very high risk for pneumonia & other complications. Tonight she was really having a hard time....so imagian we will be back to hospital again soon. Just thought I would let the family & TRUE FRIENDS that HONESTLY care about our daughter...please say a prayer for her that she will be able to enjoy christmas with her family.

Baby it's cold out there!!

It is so bitterly cold out there today, I don't even think it has made it up to zero out yet!!! I'm truly hoping the rest of winter isn't going to be this cold!! Really hoping Tim will light our beautiful fireplace tonight, seems like it will be a good night to try it out! As cold as it is I imagian my little man Zac will have a fire call, I hope not, but usually the coldest first night of the year keeps the fire departments busy....so sad this time of year though so close to the holidays....
I cannot believe Christmas is next Friday!!! Tim did some of the xmas shopping last saturday...guess he & the kids are doing a little more this coming weekend. Its going to be a very tight & small xmas due to buying a new house this year. Of course I have a decent wish list, but just going to try to enjoy being around the kids & family. Really would hope Santa would be nice & bring us a pellet stove for the basement....that is one thing we are trying to save for!
Keep warm......enjoy every moment you possibly can with your loved ones, too soon they are gone, be sure to tell the ones you love them, so you won't live with the regrets of not saying what you want to say if the unthinkable happens.... LIVE, LAUGH, & LOVE

my little man...

I am so proud of this fine young man I am honered to call my son!!! This pic was taken from a good friend of mine at the fire the other day. This was Zac's first official structure fire & he was very happy & proud!!! Loved the phone calls i got that night tellin me how proud they were of him & how hard he worked!!! I am so happy my friend caught this photo...it for sure will be a forever cherished one!!!! It certainly was a very long day for zac & the other great fireman we have on LFD & other surrounding towns...he got toned out about 2:30ish, he got home first time about 8:30 (during that one fire, they got toned out 2 other times so zac got to take care of 2 fires calls), then fed him some supper, & had him jump in shower....he had just sat down to rest & use his computer & then we hear " Lancaster fire dept...please stand by for tone"....so off he went again, the fire rekindled which is so common with "hot fires" like that...so he was out til about 11:30pm!!! Long day for the guys!! I thought for sure he would sleep sound like a baby...but when we got up he said he hadn't slept much...he was still so excited that he got to help fight a big hot fire!!! Zac man mama is so proud of you & then fine young man you are becoming! Though there will never be a moment I will not worry about you when you are at the fire calls & when you join the pd this summer....but you are my little hero & you make me honored to be your mom!!! I love you

winter wonderland...

Well at least that's what it feels like today anyways...I am not a winter person at all, hate just about every part of it!!! Granted it is beautiful to look out the window to the snow covered trees & that's about it. This time of year I love lookin at houses decorated with beautiful lights...hoping some night to have someone take me for a ride so I can. We got our tree Sunday....didn't look so big in the store, but dang in the house it sure is....lol, decorated with tons of white lights which is my favorite. I don't like colored lights at all!!! It seems to always be a argument here cuz the hubs loves colored lights...
The kids got out of school at noon today due to weather....Josh, Krystal & Brie went out sliding to enjoy the new snow, didn't stay out too long though it was really cold with the strong winds. So mama had hot chocolate with lots of marshmallow waiting for them when they got in!!! Zac was & still is at his first structure fire...he was excited when it got toned out, so when they finally get home will be the true test of how much he really loves being on the fire dept!!! Have to admit I am a nervous wreck...but I know my two great friends that are on the dept are taking good care of him & will return to his mama safely!!! Tim also got released from work early so he's been out snow blowing....the plow truck is still being repaired & he's not happy!!!!
Well last week when i was feeling a little inspired to do some craftin.....it ended with just the thought of it, still haven't amounted to a darn thing...not even makin homemade cards again this year, some will only get a simple Merry Christmas card....I was sure to buy the ones that say MERRY CHRISTMAS....I am not a Happy Holiday politically correct type of person...NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO SAY!!!!!
Ok so the power keeps going on & off....so guess that is a good sign off time!!! Live Laugh & LOVE!!