alot of thinkin....

Well I'm now seven weeks out from surgery, still in a great deal of pain & discomfort, still can't eat only a few bites of things, so still living on slim fast shakes to get nutriets. I've lost almost 20 pounds (which doesn't hurt my feelings at all:) )....between losing all this weight & losing just about eveything we owned in old house gives me a reason to buy new clothes if I ever have a good enough day to get out to want to go do a little shopping. This weather is really messing with my body...head & neck from injury are killing me more than normal because of dampness & cold. Allergies were kicked in full force...the only thing good about todays snowy weather is I'm getting a little break from them. I saw my surgeon last week & she claims it will be well over a year before i am back to feeling somewhat good with the surgery...she explained it as if I had new anotomy put in my body & my body has to adjust to "new" parts, plus my body went through major trauma & was near death...so I guess I need to learn patience....I feel so broken, so uncomplete, so useless...was having an extremely hard time with just the neck/head injury on all things I've had to give up doing & now this....I'm so sick of living on meds, I'm so sick of living like this...I don't feel like I am a good enough wife or mother as I can not attend to everyones needs...at 36 years old I feel so needy because I have to depend on everyone else to do stuff for me...so unfair!!!!
I keep thinkin I really need to make thank you cards for all those that sent me things & have been here for me through all of this. But I can't seem to get any creativity or energy going... owell...still haven't been in since we moved in Sept. I so badly need to be inspired, I need hope, I need my creativity back...some how some way I need to feel better about myself...somehow I need to find the love in life again with all these challenges.
Tomorrow is my grams 84th bday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY gram...sadly we won't be able to celebrate, she is so sick right now & her doc is thinkin about admittin her to hospital. Then got a call from my dad they have rushed my uncle into ICU at DHMC...so much more has happend, and it needs to stop...I can't take anymore.
On a good note I just got all my kids report cards & they all did awesome. I am so proud of all of you & love you so much. they have made me so proud this year with all there accomplishments...still thinkin my son is the "hottest" fireman they have in town. :)